Some Days are Harder than Others

There are nights when the dreams are so lucid, exploding with color and detail. I can’t really call them nightmares, since my mind typically shows Ryan in various stages of recovery. The days, well, these are nightmares. 

Without fail, waking hours that follow an especially “good” dream are the hardest. Words simply cannot explain the heartache upon waking to know this is not a dream. Reality first seeps, then pours in. It’s a tidal wave of despair that sweeps me up and tosses me around at will.

Metaphorically, my sanity is the shore line. I start moving toward it, but all the time feel
like I’m being challenged with every stroke. Wakefulness is a rip-tide that prevents me from taking a direct path to composure.

Yea, I know I’m being a bit flowery here, but just humor me. I’m hurting. There always exists an underlying ache that, every now and then, resurfaces as agonizing mental pain. Today is such a day. I’m guessing it is because my family is not together right now. Kari is at WVU (right where she should be), Sue is in New York, and Ryan… well, who knows where he is right now.




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25 Responses to Some Days are Harder than Others

  1. Cheryl Onderchain says:

    Ken, I’m glad you can share your feelings so openly with us. That doesn’t “help” make the pain go away but know that the Team will always be here to catch you when you fall. I am sorry you are having one of those days, Ken. I can only imagine how hard it must be to wake up after dreaming about having Ryan “back” and realizing it was just that, a dream. Sending LOTS of love and…

    I will put on my Team Diviney shirt when I get home (Justin too) for solidarity.

    Love you guys.

  2. Anna says:

    So sad and painful to read. Praying for your and yours Ken.

  3. Evelyn Boxley says:

    We’ve lived this as close to you as we can and like a family we except all days, ups and downs. I hope when writing these you think of the pool of people out there who are wishing you better days. if numbers could cure it, you’ve got it.In the meantime you have our prayers, we are with you Ken.

  4. Carol says:

    I hold you in prayer asking that the Lord’s presence would be so real today that you can in no way feel alone. I also pray for a small sign from Ryan, that he is there.

  5. Michelle Miltz says:

    I will pray for you today as every day. I am happy to hear you express your emotions as I think this will comfort your darkest days. Just know there are thousands of people out there who care deeply for you and your family. Praying that Ryan will give you a sign of himself………

  6. sandra knowles says:

    your writing is so beautiful, it touches me deeply. Know that your many friends, known and unknown alway have you in their thoughts. You definitely are in mine today.

  7. Jo Hobbs says:

    For now XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX O More later, still here.

  8. Paula Yocom says:

    I love you, Ken, and I love Sue, Kari and Ryan. I am sorry you are in this pain, and I surely understand. May the Lord enfold you in His Love and Peace. Ryan is there with you, undoubtedly thanking the Lord that you are his Dad. And what a Dad you are. Tell us the truth anytime you want — it is a privilege to hear someone be genuinely honest about how they feel. It also helps us to know how and what to pray for. Today I am praying for sunshine for your soul, and comfort for your sadness. Lord God, please do not leave your son, Ken, in despair. Raise up his spirit and surround him with love. I pray for continued healing for Ryan, and ask that You strengthen our faith when it is faltering. God bless you, Ken — we are here for you and your family. Signed, with as many X’s and O’s as Cheryl’s plus two more : D

  9. Kristin says:

    Your story is heartbreaking! I have three younger brothers and could not imagine what your family is going through! I have followed this on and off since the attack, waiting for a miracle recovery. I am inspired by your family’s will to survive and prevail! May god be with you and your precious child!
    Here is a link to a story that you may or may not have heard. I hope it gives you some hope:

    • Jo Hobbs says:

      Very interesting, thank you. It still distresses me every time I think of the Terri Schiavo case. Who knows what was possible down the road? Only God.

  10. Gail Doyle says:

    Dear Ken I am so sorry for you and only wish you peace and good feelings soon .My prayers are for you too ….God please take care of him..~

  11. Bonnie Perkins says:

    I know exactly what you are going through. My family went through and still is going through all the pain that you are feeling. I pray that Ryan will improve in the days to come and that your family will continue to have the strength to cope with this. Thinking about you and your family and continuing to pray for you all and Ryan.
    Bonnie Perkins

  12. barb varisco says:

    Ken, know that I feel your pain and wish there was more I could do to help make it better. I believe wherever Ryan is, he is fighting to get back “home” again to his dad, mom, sister and all of his family and friends. Love is very important to his recovery and we all can feel that through the words that are written. Thanks for sharing your feelings, it is part of your recovery and sanity. It’s okay…we’re here to help you all recover. Will be thinking and praying for you the rest of the day…love and hugs sent your way.

  13. Ann-Marie says:

    Hugs to you, Ken! I’m still here & my prayers continue for Ryan, you & your family!

  14. Bryan Tiplady says:

    Many a man would have crossed that shoreline long before now. Good thing that you are a championship swimmer.

    Ryan is next to you and in all of our hearts.

  15. Pam GrahamGeorge says:

    Ken. Bless your heart. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I could take it away — all of it. But I can’t. But I can continue to pray, to support you and Ryan and your family, and to send you healing hugs. As many as you need.

  16. Trish says:

    Not flowery…simply a loving parent keeping it real. It’s a courageous thing to do when anguish is running so deep. We are strangers yet I am compelled to constantly pray for your family.

  17. Jo Hobbs says:

    Sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings, even in dreams, are very important to the healing process. No, I don’t think your words are “flowery” at all, but from the heart. Your dreams sound like mine — vivid and in living color! I believe that dreams have meaning, and that we should take time to understand them, especially recurring dreams. Any good pychologist or counselor (Paula?) can give you the titles of some good, reliable books on dream interpretation. I won’t recommend any, because my husband swears that I am going to get sued for practicing medicine without a license! LOL I’m not afraid, however, I’ll just quote those Good Samaritan laws…. …Prayers today and every day throughout the day and night. Hugs to all and a big smackaroo all around! Still here. 🙂

  18. Kathryn Beggs Howlett says:

    An unknown friend is holding you close and sending you blessings. You have a great many people who care so deeply for you and Ryan who will always be standing on your shoreline ready to do what ever needs to be done to keep you safe and sound.
    Anyone have a Team Diviney shirt I can wear?

  19. sally ellis says:

    We’re here Ken, I wish there was more we could do. Never second guess your posts and wonder how they sound. Your pain is real and comes from your heart. You might not be sure where Ryan is exactly right now, but I believe he knows exactly where you are.

  20. Keith says:

    Thats not Flowery on bit! Your letting Your feelings out and thats ok with us. We are all here to support you and hold you up when you fall. When i read this it brought tears to My eyes. I could never imagine what you are going through But just remember this! Ryan will be back with you all real soon. Keep the Faith (And Believe me its hard sometimes to do that) but God is in control! But i know it really helps to let your feelings out to others. Hang in there and Take Care My Prayers are with You, Ryan and Your Family Everyday! God Bless

  21. nicki says:

    always praying and hoping that he wakes up. my hope will never fade and the tough days are so difficult. But I read your blog religiously know matter how much it makes me cry and hope that he was finally back. A day is not complete unless I read your words of encouragement and hope that he will wake up. Continue your efforts because I have a feeling they really will be paid off.

  22. Ken,
    Our virtual hugs are coming your way today and all day from all of our librarian prayer partners from the USA. May God lift your spirit today in a way that you know it comes from above.
    We’re here.
    Jane and Yes! Grace Rocks group

  23. cass says:

    We were praying for you and your family the other night at the prayer meeting. I don’t even remember at what point this popped into my head, but I very clearly could picture your home, and your and Ryan’s presence was there. I discerned this overwhelming feeling of relief coming from Ryan that you were there. That you were always there. That if something happened, Dad was there. I still remember as a child feeling relief when my mom was with me with I was sick, and seeming as if it were an eternity when she was gone. Ryan must feel the same way. He knows you’re there. He’s comforted by it, and he’s come to rely on it. Not to take away from Sue. He’s thrilled when his Momma comes in the door at the end of a long day. Don’t mess with a mother/son relationship. It’s like gold.

    But where is Ryan? He’s right with you, Ken. All the time. I believe our Lord visits him as well, only Ryan will tell, in time. But he KNOWS you are there. Your constancy makes all the difference in the world to him, Ken. Leave no doubt.

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